When I was a kid, one of the neighbors persuaded me to join his Tae Kwon Do club. I was a bit hesitant at first, because a martial arts style that’s almost exclusively focused on kicks seemed needlessly limited to me. Have you ever been in a situation where you didn’t know what to do with your hands? I’ll tell you this, you don’t want that situation to be a fight! Anyway, the guy assured me that Tae Kwon Do was the way to go, and he was a wife beater, so I figured maybe he knew a thing or two beating the shit out of people. Can’t hit women, right? So join a Tae Kwon Do club and learn to kick the shit out of’em!
A few months later, I was ready for my first belt graduation ceremony. The club went all out for this one and even hired an old, Asian dude to pretend he was a grand master from South Korea that couldn’t speak our language. It was quite the show for a tiny club operating out of the local elementary school’s gym. I was there for my yellow belt, which is basically a giveaway. A drunk infant could have made yellow belt just by walking into the dojo, pissing his diaper and rolling around on the floor. That’s how they get you hooked on the belt hype and milk you for money. My neighbor was already a red belt, so he was up for his first black stripe, and holy-jumping-fucking-shit was he serious about it!
Many wooden boards were sacrificed at the altar of manhood that day. Being a white belt, I was one of the first to have a go at it. I smashed clean through my board and strutted around feeling like a total badass, but then King Cunt the Wife Beater stepped up and fucking obliterated his board! The chunk that used to fill the fist-sized bullet hole in the middle flew across the room and hit a nerd in the face, and then the rest of the board surrendered and crumbled into four more pieces! His poor wife, right? If he could punch like a howitzer, he could probably kick a speeding train off the tracks! The red belt makes you think, doesn’t it? He must have had closets full of formerly white suits to go with his skeletons.
I was starstruck like a toddler in Disneyland after witnessing that punch. This fucking guy just became my new role model. Not for the wife beating, mind you. I wasn’t married, I was twelve. He recruited other kids from the neighborhood as well, including a friend of mine, and we all witnessed the extraordinary spectacle. We begged him to teach us the “rocket punch,” and he was nice enough to invite us down to his workout space in the basement for a few lessons. He had heavy bags, mats, weights, the whole nine yards. Everything a woman-hating psychopath could possibly need to hone his craft.
After a few quick pointers, I went at the heavy bag like it stole my lunch, and just as I threw in a kick combo, I farted loudly. I blame my mom’s cooking for that one. It was rotten as hell, so I wrinkled my nose and tried to play it off like I was suffering as much as the rest. That’s when King Cunt dropped some real wisdom on me. He told me to stop pretending that I didn’t like it, because everyone loves the smell of their own farts. “You’ve gotta be shittin’ me,” I said. Alas, he was not. I was too young and embarrassed to admit it back then, but – as it turns out – we do. We love the smell of our own farts. All of this, everything you’ve read so far, it’s all been leading up to making that simple point. This story is not about Tae Kwon Do, it’s all about farts, and you should have known!
I’ve recently gone vegan, which makes me fart a lot. All those vegetables may be healthy, but they also make me gassy. I used to fart all the time back when I lived on coke and pizza. I’d have friends over and we’d sit flat on the floor and blow one out just to make the chandelier jingle in the apartment below. Since then I’ve reluctantly taken the shape of a grownup and adapted my diet accordingly. I’ve been on a well-balanced diet for more than a decade now, and somewhere along the way I stopped farting regularly. I’d let a belch rip at the drop of a hat, but farts were mysteriously rare. Now that I’m on a purely plant-based diet, I’ve started stinking up the place something awful. This would suggest that people who fart are healthier than people who don’t. In fact, I’ve heard that rotten farts are a sign of good health, so next time you’re on a date, let one go in the spirit of romance! A potential mate would be able to tell whether or not you’re healthy and fit for procreation. Just think about it, the first thing dogs do is smell each other’s butts, and when you go to the doctor, they always wanna check your asshole for something. If you can’t trust dogs and doctors, who can you trust?
The shameful hidden secret of the bodybuilding community is that everyone farts, a lot. These are the healthiest people in the world, and they stink it up like a god damn cattle ranch! Here we are, blaming livestock for greenhouse gasses while worshiping at the altar of health and fitness, ignoring the mad rabble of muscled goons who are the real problem! Just one of these freaks consume enough calories on a daily basis to fatten up a grizzly bear for winter! The planet’s going straight to hell in a hand-basket, and it’s happening increasingly fast, because every year there’s a million more flatulent fucks flexing their abs on YouTube. As if that wasn’t bad enough, people are eating plastic rice and shitting ping pong balls because the world is running out of real food! So fart yourself awake and fucking pay attention! These are the end times!
There’s so much fart in our atmosphere, it’s causing the ocean to heat up and become acidic, killing the coral reefs all around the world at an alarming rate! Governments have issued health warnings about eating too much fish because they’re sponging up mercury from polluted seawater! The pharmaceutical industry makes more money off antibiotics for animals than people because the mistreatment of livestock makes them sick. What we’re left with is meat and milk filled with pus and antibiotics, making people sick while building up a resistance to the cure! To top it all off, we’re eating genetically engineered vegetables saturated with poisonous chemicals… and we wonder why people get cancer?
Are we seeing a systematic problem yet? People are stupid. That’s a statement everyone agrees with, even dumb people, so don’t think you’re smart just because you agree. If you find yourself offended by that, you know which category you belong to, and you can shut the fuck up and keep your opinions to yourself. I dare say outrageous shit like this because I’ve got nothing left to lose after giving up meat, so I’m not afraid of you! I’m a badass vegan! I eat a bowl of rice every morning! That’s right, I eat Kung Fu for breakfast, and I’ll ring your bell like King Cunt on a Friday night with a goddamn rocket punch! You’ll learn to fear the smell of my farts, carnivores!
On the bright side, there’s an asteroid coming to end all our misery in about nineteen years, according to NASA. That is, if there’s anyone left alive by then. With President Donald J. Trump in charge of the world’s deadliest arsenal, I wouldn’t hold my breath. There’s no need to bitch about it, really… we’ve had it coming for a while now. Quite literally actually, if you factor in astrophysics. Humanity is overdue for an apocalypse. If you’ve watched Dwayne “The Rock” Johnson pig out on a cheat day on YouTube, you’re everything that’s wrong with this world, and you deserve to die. Take comfort in that. I know I do.