Oh no, the cookies!

Thanks to a collective of mongoloids known as the EU parliament, I may–or may not–have to inform you that this website probably uses a shit ton of the cookies. Airing on the side of being an asshole about it, this is me telling you that I haven’t the faintest fucking idea of what I’m doing, and by visiting my website you may have contracted the cookies!

Furthermore, I have deliberately avoided taking exaggerated steps towards protecting user data, so if this website gets hacked, you may consider yourself fucked up the wall without a leg to stand on! I’m not a goddamn security expert, OK? I’m just a random asshole with a blog, so have no delusions of safety or protection from the cookies in this neighborhood.

Additionally; you should be aware that I, personally, take no responsibility for any deleterious effects the cookies might have on your miserable existence and/or–undoubtedly declining–mental fortitude. If the cookies frighten you to such an extent that you actually read this ridiculous document on purpose… please seek help (elsewhere).

In conclusion, you should be aware that I don’t have a law degree! However, I believe my warning regarding the cookies has been delivered with an exactitude appropriate to some random asshole’s blog. If–for whatever mental deficit you proclaim to excuse you from understanding basic English–you cannot comprehend the language of this document, ask someone less annoying to clue you in, and please don’t procreate.

Oh no, big data!

Whatever personal information you feel comfortable divulging on some random asshole’s blog is firmly stuck in mysterious files until the end of time! Your username, password, e-mail, and whatever else will very likely be shared automatically with WordPress.com, and whatever assholes (big data) they’re selling your information to. I didn’t write the code for this shit, so I truly don’t know a fucking thing about how it works!

I would data mine your very soul until the concept of privacy itself ceased to exist, and I’d sell it all to big data if I had the slightest inkling how… but I don’t! If you–for whatever dubious purpose–ask me to provide you with the information you have (freely) shared on this website, I’ll tell you to go fuck a chicken, because I don’t know where it is, for fuck’s sake, do you?

The user data you seek is lost in a ton of code that I didn’t write, and I’d sooner kill us both than waste a second of my precious time on this Earth catering to your paranoid whims! As a grand gesture on my part, I invite you to access your long term memory and shut the fuck up! Your grievances with big data is non of my concern, so leave me the fuck out of it!

If you find that any of this upsets your equilibrium, I’m pleased to inform you that you appear to have learned a lesson about online privacy. In the future, think twice before sharing personal information on some random asshole’s blog if shit like this keeps you up at night. There’s no such thing as privacy, big data rules the world, and you can’t do a fucking thing about it!