I know you’ve considered it at some point in your life. We all have, to varying degrees. If you’re gonna tell me the thought hasn’t even crossed your mind, I’m calling you a fucking liar! I don’t care if it was serious, or just a passing thought, I know you’ve fucking thought about it, and you’ve thought about how you’d do it too… and that’s the interesting part!
Unless you’re a sadomasochist, ideally you’d wanna make it as quick and painless as humanly possible. Since you’re reading this guide, I’m just going to assume you’ve lived long enough to come up with a plan as well. You know exactly what you’d do, don’t you? In theory, anyway. It’s in the execution of said plan that things have a wonderful tendency to go wrong! You’ll be doing this for the first time, after all, and it’s not like there’s an abundance of experienced professionals available to show you the ropes (pun intended). But, do not despair (pun intended), here’s my ultimate guide to suicide, just for you and your loved ones! Make it a family plan while you’re at it! Nobody wants to be the last one checking out!
The most popular option for men is eating a bullet, for obvious reasons. You might not have a firearm lying around, though. In most civilized countries, guns aren’t readily available to any idiot who wants one, so you might have to consider alternative options based on available means of self-destruction. If you’re able to get a gun, good for you, you’re halfway there! As for the rest of you, it’s time to get creative. You might have a nail gun lying around, but are you absolutely sure it would do the trick? People survive all kinds of crazy shit with impaired brain-function. I don’t know about you, but I’d rather not wake up a vegetable in the hospital. Do you have the balls to punch a screwdriver through your skull? I salivate at the thought of how many fantastical ways that can go wrong! You could always opt for a good, old fashioned hanging, if you’re confident you wouldn’t fuck that up as well. A good hanging snaps the neck like a twig, but a bad one will have you choking out like a smurf, giving you ample time for last minute regrets.
In most civilized countries, guns aren’t readily available to any idiot who wants one, so you might have to consider alternative options based on available means of self-destruction.
Women usually go about things differently. Unlike men, when they take their leave of this world, they don’t wanna leave behind a fucking horror show! They tend to set the stage for dramatic effect, like slitting their wrist in the tub, surrounded with burning candles, listening to Celine Dion or some shit. You gotta have a passion drama to check out like that. Cutting up your wrist will hurt like a bitch, though, and then you have to lie there for a good, long while waiting to die, with that fucking song playing, knowing you’re a loser. You’re likely to change your mind at some point, whether it’s about the dying part or the soundtrack. Drugs can smooth your transition to the afterlife by taking the element of pain out of the picture, and they’re easy to get–legal or otherwise. You could even kill yourself with over-the-counter painkillers if you just ate enough of them. The only problem with a drug overdose is that it’s gonna take a while for the drugs to kick in, giving you ample time to get stupid, reconsider, and chickenshit your way out of it–and we’ll have none of that! A proper suicide needs to be instant and absolute, with zero points of failure!
The only problem with a drug overdose is that it’s gonna take a while for the drugs to kick in, giving you ample time to get stupid, reconsider, and chickenshit your way out of it–and we’ll have none of that!
Suicide can go wrong in a multitude of entertaining ways, so maybe it’s best that you leave the actual killing to something more reliable than yourself. Gravity, for instance, or traffic. Jumping off a bridge is a popular option, and it’s hard to fuck that up, but it does happen! You could throw yourself in front of an eighteen wheeler, or a train! You’d have to be “gifted” to fuck that up, but then again, maybe you are! Still, you might not die instantly. You really don’t wanna be that idiot who survives. When I hear the words “attempted suicide,” I giggle my motherfucking pants off! The reason I find it so hilarious is that I know what it really means; some dumb cunt loser tried to murder themselves, and they couldn’t even get that right! Here’s an individual who failed so miserably in their “attempt” to facilitate their own demise, that they lived to hear people laugh about it!
You better think this shit through, because if you fuck up your suicide, you’ll be comically worse off than before, I goddamn guarantee it! You’ll sever nerves and tendons while cutting your wrists, leaving you with flaccid penis hands, flapping like a bird! Jumping off a bridge, you might just have to swim back to shore, and then you wouldn’t fucking try that again, would you? Throwing yourself into traffic might leave you paralyzed from the waste down, drooling a wheelchair. Your friends would get over the shock and give you a cute nickname, like “Robocop.” You’d want to kill them, but you can’t… because they have legs! “You better run uphill, motherfucker… downhill I’ll catch ya!” you’d scream through your tears to no avail. A second failed attempt could leave you paralyzed from the scalp down, and then your only pleasure in life would be your nurse scratching your head with a rubber glove. What I’m driving at here is that if you’re gonna kill yourself, get it right the first time!
You better think this shit through, because if you fuck up your suicide, you’ll be comically worse off than before, I goddamn guarantee it!
There’s one more angle to consider, and that’s other people! I don’t mean the “loved ones” you leave behind, because you couldn’t pretend to give a fuck about them anymore. I’m talking about the “hero” who finds you floating in the river, or dangling from the ceiling, and saves your life at the last minute just to dump you in a mental institution on suicide watch! You’d probably want to avoid the barrage of lectures you’d be subjected to by the men in white coats during a “mandatory stay” in the fluffy room! Prepare for every possibly contingency–you can’t be lazy about suicide! Have backup plan just in case.
Prepare for every possibly contingency–you can’t be lazy about suicide!
Having wasted an unreasonable amount of time pondering this subject, I’ve come up with a fool-proof methodology: I’d ram a red hot curling iron up my ass, strap a time-bomb to my chest (set to blow in ten seconds), snort a fist full of cyanide, drench myself in gasoline, light myself on fire and blow my fucking head off with a pair of double barreled, sawed off shotguns while jumping off the roof into a shark tank filled with starving great whites that’s been fed nothing but cocaine and plastic for a week! “Why the curling iron?” To piss off the sharks with an electric shock so they chomp down before I blow up! When my remains arrive at coroner’s office in a bucket, there won’t be cause for a fucking autopsy! The exact cause of death would be an academic debate! That’s how you fucking kill yourself!