Crusade of a Heretic

I was maliciously tortured with a Christian upbringing, which is why I’m a devout atheist today. The main reason that plan backfired so spectacularly–as if it wasn’t perfectly obvious–is because I can only endure so much silliness before cracking up, and I’m well past that limit! It’s time for a goddamn reckoning!

Whether you’re of the religious persuasion or not, I trust you’re familiar with the fundamentals of belief, so apply that understanding now, and believe me when I tell you this rant has been a long time coming! The Church made it personal when they tried to indoctrinate me as a child, through brainwashed family members, Christianity classes at school, Sunday school, the media, archaic rituals and fucking funerals! As if the title of this rant wasn’t enough to clue you in; it is my express intention to shit all over religion, and–by extension–religious people! Now that you know what you’re getting into, let’s continue the seminar.

The father, the son and the holy ghost can collectively fuck off and blow each other into perpetual nonexistence! I’m yelling at fictional characters now… this is what I’ve become. My actual “gripe” is with the establishment itself, the Church, and the greedy, cross-dressing pedophiles who run it. I’m gonna do us both a favor and skip right past the “molesting children” part of the sermon, because you’ve heard it all before. What pisses me off the most–apart from the existence of Vatican City as an independent state, and their ridiculous fucking hats–is that religion is a system of control, designed to enslave the masses, and to enrich and exalt those in charge! This goes for all religions, not just Christianity, but I have a personal beef with the Church that needs to be addressed first.

The father, the son and the holy ghost can collectively fuck off and blow each other into perpetual nonexistence!

The majority of people I’ve met in this country, or online, who claim to be Christians are either confused agnostics, or atheists in denial. I’d love nothing more than to dedicate this entire paragraph to tearing agnostics a new one, those dithering imbeciles, but I feel it’s more important that I stay on point. Norwegians are–for the most part–a practical, logical, well educated people. Despite the folly of Christianity classes back in the 80s, Norway has an excellent public school system (comparatively speaking), and well educated people are less prone to religious hysteria. A good education is the antithesis to religious indoctrination, and it is an absolute necessity in order for humanity to avert self-annihilation. Not that I’m invested in the future of mankind what so ever. I’m rooting for the apocalypse to happen in my lifetime.

On numerous occasions, I’ve joked with my friends that if I had a bunch of nukes, I wouldn’t hesitate to drop one straight into Vatican City, Mecca, and every other “holy” site or city on the planet. Oh yes! I would obliterate every single continent apart from Antarctica, and then I’d sit back on my frozen throne and giggle maniacally as the world of religion crumbled and burned in a choir of screams! In my crusade for sanity, I would annihilate every civilization–and damn near every sentient being–on Earth! However, I’ve come to realize that a benign genocide wouldn’t solve the dilemma of religion, because desperation–among other things–is what turns people to God in the first place. The only way to wean these Bible-thumping morons off their fairy tale juice is with proper education, and that’s a multi-generational undertaking shithole countries will never achieve if left to their own devises! It’s up to the rest of us to help them along, or put them out of their fucking misery before their arsenal matches ours, at which point they’ll bring God to us at the tip of a spear!

The only way to wean these Bible-thumping morons off their fairy tale juice is with proper education, and that’s a multi-generational undertaking shithole countries will never achieve if left to their own devises!

Coddling is how we got into this predicament in the first place. God forbid a poor, innocent child should learn the truth; that life is meaningless, death is final, and we’re all insignificant. Somehow, people think it’s better to coddle their children with the promise of Heaven, while at the same time introducing the threat of Hell, so they won’t misbehave! This is psychotic parenting, and the end result is another smug, religious asshole walking around, proclaiming to be a good, “God-fearing” Christian! The only thing kids should be afraid of–apart from the aforementioned cross-dressing pedophiles of the ecclesiastic variety–is their devout parents! Tell your kids to grow the fuck up, because daddy’s Santa Clause, mommy’s the Tooth Fairy, you cooked the Easter Bunny, and if God doesn’t like it, He can go fuck Himself! Stop lying to your kids because you’re too fucking lazy to do a proper job of raising them! That’s right, I’m telling you how to raise your kids now!

Tell your kids to grow the fuck up, because daddy’s Santa Clause, mommy’s the Tooth Fairy, you cooked the Easter Bunny, and if God doesn’t like it, He can go fuck Himself!

An enterprising caveman ahead of his time made up some bullshit about what happens after death, his tribe fell for it and believed he was magical, and thus religion was invented. In order to believe in “God,” you first have to believe that another person is more magical than you are, and that they’re qualified to tell you something they couldn’t possibly know! You would also have to agree that this nameless Prophet, or Messiah, is somehow more special than you are! I don’t know about you, but–personally speaking–that’s a hit my delicate ego couldn’t take! There hasn’t been a single confirmed incidence of a magical person with superpowers in all of recorded history. I don’t subscribe to the idea that I’m lesser than another human being, whoever the fuck they are, and neither should you! If you think you’re worth less than others, you place yourself in a subservient role to them, and you should have your stupid fucking head examined!

An enterprising caveman ahead of his time made up some bullshit about what happens after death, his tribe fell for it and believed he was magical, and thus religion was invented.

There’s no such thing as “God,” and religion is a lie! If you disagree with that statement, either provide evidence of God’s existence to prove me wrong, or shut the fuck up! “You can’t prove that God doesn’t exist!” The fuck I can’t! It’s time to pull your head out of your ass and listen up, because I’m about to drop some deep shit wisdom in here! If you apply basic psychology to read between the goddamn lines, it becomes obvious that the Bible–like all religious texts–was written by a bunch of cretins with the motivations of man! The Bible, vaunted Word of God, is all the evidence required to understand it’s a fiction! It’s not even a matter of belief anymore. I know God isn’t real because He told me so!

I know God isn’t real because He told me so!

The evolution of consciousness might be a foreign concept to you, so let me break it down. As your consciousness grows, you become progressively more aware of yourself and the effects your choices and actions have on your environment (including other people), compelling you to distance yourself from the rabble of lesser minds. The higher you fly, the more distanced you get. If I was an omnipotent being, I wouldn’t waste my time writing a grand, biblical compilation of self-glorification in an infantile effort to garner the attention and approval of insignificant molluscs on a spinning mud-ball hurtling through space! I barely give a shit about people as it is! Had I the power of God, believe me, I’d have loftier aspirations! God, as a personality in the Bible, is a pathetic, needy child, and He should be ashamed of His own behavior, but seems to lack the introspective capacity that even I possess! I would be a better god than God, and I’m a crazy asshole! Go eat your fucking Bible!

God, as a personality in the Bible, is a pathetic, needy child, and He should be ashamed of His own behavior, but seems to lack the introspective capacity that even I possess!

Now that I’ve thoroughly crapped all over the religious bunch, here’s a question for you self-proclaimed atheists out there: Would you sell your soul to Hoodling? If not, then there’s a part of you–however small–that still believes in fairy tales! That makes you an agnostic at best, and you should have known I wouldn’t let that shit slide! Agnostics are the keepers of their own, unique, personal religion, built on a cherry-picked smattering of material stolen from existing platforms, and thus they are lost fools! If you can’t bring yourself to get one hundred percent behind every single word of the holy text your religion adheres to, otherwise known as the Word of God, you are also an agnostic! Ignore one single word in the Bible and you might as well throw out the entire book, because you’re not a Christian, you’re Anti-Christ, and your arrogance offends even me! You cannot deny the Word of God and call yourself a fucking Christian! That–by definition–makes you an agnostic, and agnostics are fucking idiots! See what I did there?

Agnostics are the keepers of their own, unique, personal religion, built on a cherry-picked smattering of material stolen from existing platforms, and thus they are lost fools!

If you’re not committed to your religion, do yourself–and the world–a favor and unregister as an official member. I was baptized as an infant and bribed by family to participate in the confirmation ritual. Years later, it came to my attention that I was still officially registered as a Christian, and that’s what keeps the bastards in business! By adding to their numbers–unnecessarily, in my case–we empower them politically. I’m telling all you agnostics and wannabe atheists out there to dig real deep, find your balls, and put your money where your mouth is! If–on the other hand– you are committed to your religion, you’re completely insane, and beyond reason!

Rebellion against the Church has a tendency to result in devil worship, which is merely a variation on the theme–and a juvenile one at that. I’m all for burning down God’s house, but not in the name of a fictitious, tertiary Bible character, because that’s just fucking retarded! If you’re gonna rebel against a fantasy, do it properly and throw out the book, for fuck’s sake! The mind-boggling fact that there are real, living, breathing, satanically inclined motherfuckers walking around in two shoes, masquerading as grownups, preaching the Satanic gospel, confound me to no useful end! Whether we’re debating enlightenment, basic intelligence or common sense, Satanism truly is the bottom of the fucking barrel! Not even Scientology can hold a candle to these boneheads, and they’re so dim they’ve based their “religion” on the works of an established fiction writer! A grownup devil worshiper is such a novelty that it would feel like Christmas if you ever fucking met one! In order to rebel against God, you have to accept that He exists, and therein lies the fallacy of Satanism.

The mind-boggling fact that there are real, living, breathing, satanically inclined motherfuckers walking around in two shoes, masquerading as grownups, preaching the Satanic gospel, confound me to no useful end!

Oh the saints… the saints are gonna get it! The only thing worse than the average religious person is a fucking saint! These people are so goddamn special in the eyes of the Church, that they’ve been elevated to sainthood and assured entrance into heaven! Anybody can get into heaven! A pedophile, cross-dressing, megalomaniac with a silly hat could get into heaven! I could get into heaven even if I murdered Jesus and shit in his mouth, as long as I confessed to God and had a pedophile, cross-dresser absolve me of my sins! Heaven… fuck your heaven! It’s no better than Hell! Saints are merely fools who bought into the fantasy of heaven so hard, they spend their whole lives brown-nosing God so He’ll be their friend in the afterlife. Sure, they’re generally considered to be nice people who do good things, but they only do all that shit because they “know” they’re buttering up God. They’re nothing but self-serving assholes who make the rest of us feel bad about ourselves because we can’t be fucked to run around playing saints.

Heaven… fuck your heaven!

My Christian upbringing left many scars, one of which is my frequent use of biblical terms, like “Jesus Christ,” or “Oh my God!” I know everyone does that, but don’t confuse cultural influence with religious brainwashing! Essentially, it’s the same thing, but–while the former is rather innocent–the latter is deliberate, calculated evil! I still take the Lord’s name in vain on a regular basis, involuntarily perpetuating the gospel. As if that wasn’t evidence enough of brainwashing, you might have noticed my flawless religious text capitalization. That’s how bad Christianity fucked me up, and if you think you managed to stay clear, we’re living in the year of our Lord, 2020!

This unholy crusade of mine is doomed to failure, because the battle is already lost. I know I won’t change hearts and minds, but–like a pathetic loser–my whining persists! I might decide to burn down a Church one day, in which case this rant should suffice as a declaration of war. I have no immediate plans to do so, but, if life has taught me anything, it’s to never say never! On a Hoodling scale of passion, I’m barely a piddling irked by religion, but I keep an open mind to the possibility of driving myself insane later on. Hypothetically, I’m a self-actualizing radical, and the Church better pray I stay lazy! For now, I’ll stick to burning miniature bibles in the privacy of my home, where I can stare gleefully into the cleansing fire without fear of men in white coats sending me to the funny farm. Many trees worth of paper stained with Christian filth has met it’s end at my hands! I’m a walking, talking, ecological disaster as capricious as nature itself, and I don’t give a goddamn! You’re welcome!

And, finally, a completely superfluous joke to cap it all off: Does the pope shit in the woods? He will after I burn his house down! Ha-ha.

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