God Bless the US of A-holes

I’ve been holding back for twenty years, refusing to get my blog mired in politics, but that’s not working for me anymore. I cannot remain a silent observer while America chain-shits the bed to such an extent that it’s flooding Norwegian news, causing me mental anguish! This rant is not intended for the betterment of mankind, the greater good, or any such lofty purpose. It’s about me and my personal disappointment in the monstrous pile of crap that’s become the America we know today! If you’re a delicate, little MAGA hat wearing, Neo-Nazi fan-girl carrying a cupped candle for “Murica,” expect to be shocked and offended beyond your pain threshold, because nothing’s fucking sacred anymore! I will have my pound of flesh!

God bless the US of A-holes, because they sure as fuck could use a friend right about now, even if it’s an imaginary one from up on high! This asshole country has imposed it’s idiotic ways on the entire world–by means of religion, politics and war–since their traitorous origins, and now “the leaders of the free world” are steering us straight into pandemic Armageddon! The way things are developing, I bet they regret not treating their neighbors better, because nobody on “God’s green Earth” gives a flying rat’s ass about America anymore! Nobody… except God! Yes, indeed… the “Lord” cares! And why the fuck shouldn’t He? Americans are super fucking special in the eyes of the Lord, their God in Heaven! “Simply the best–a cut above all the rest!” God–in whom they trust–has nothing better to do than sit around all day, listening intently as “football” players pray for victory in sweaty locker rooms across the country! These are truly the most righteous of plights! Matters of cosmic significance! The fucking arrogance it takes to ask for divine intervention in pointless pursuits when people are suffering all over the world is simply astonishing! If I was God, I’d give them all brain damage too! Not that it would make a lick of difference when stacked upon the mental deficiency already prevalent among Americans per goddamn default! Blake Shelton can shove “God’s Country” right up his hillbilly ass!

Blake Shelton can shove “God’s Country” right up his hillbilly ass!

There’s no getting around the fact that the American people willingly and collectively elected a lying, sexist, racist, mongoloid for president, and–despite the fact that he’s now also carrying the mantle of traitor–I firmly believe them capable of doing it again! They have allowed that orange, deluded madman to wobble about in his little red hat for a full term, attempting to “Make America Great Again” by fucking over the entire planet! On top of being an environmental, economical and political disaster, Donald J. Trump’s presidency is a catastrophic blunder without comparison! How in the bright, shiny fuck has this been allowed to go on for so long? I keep waiting to hear the news that someone has finally dragged that clown out of the White House and shot him in the back of the head in the middle of the fucking street! That son of a bitch was impeached, for fuck’s sake, and–still–nothing was accomplished! America has become a nation of intolerant infants, incapable of taking action, and it’s a goddamn embarrassment to behold! Hillary Clinton was so horny for the presidency, she came off as a frothing snatch in soggy shoes, but at least there was an alternative candidate! The voters chose Trump–a man so unpredictably stupid, even the Bilderberg group queefed their silk-woven nappies–just to avoid getting “Crooked Hillary” as their next president! I’m no genius, but I can think of at least one good reason not to elect the most antagonistic idiot on the face of the planet into a position of ultimate power, and it rhymes with “doom!”

I’m no genius, but I can think of at least one good reason not to elect the most antagonistic idiot on the face of the planet into a position of ultimate power, and it rhymes with “doom!”

America is going backwards, and–if nothing else could persuade you of that–the ongoing pandemic has proved it beyond the shadow of a doubt! I have zero sympathy for their plights, because they did it all to themselves! This is what you get when all you care about is Dollars–capitalism at it’s inevitable conclusion! The cracks in the foundation were always there, just waiting for a pandemic tear it all down! Due to it’s lack of a functioning healthcare system, America has become a cesspool, and–once again–the rest of us suffer in the wake of their ineptitude! As usual, the whole world is hostage to American stupidity! If the average American wasn’t so breathtakingly stupid, perhaps we’d be rid of Covid-19 by now. So, Russia, and China… bring your nukes to bear and do us all a favor, will ya? I am sick and fucking tired of this shit!

So, Russia, and China… bring your nukes to bear and do us all a favor, will ya?

It genuinely pains me to admit that I loved the idea of America in my youth. So much so–in fact–that I speak English with an American dialect. I was culturally brainwashed at an early age by watching Hollywood productions. In 2001, that illusion was blown apart so spectacularly it had the taint of Michael Bay special effects! I watched as 9/11 unfolded live on TV, and I’m still–to this day–convinced that the news peddled a computer-generated animation of planes hitting buildings as actual footage! With that impression in mind, of course I didn’t buy a single fucking word of the official line! The news of the time was all about America running out of oil, and then–suddenly–they had the perfect excuse to invade an oil rich nation? Fuck off! Please. Their motivations were so fucking obvious to me that entertaining any other ideas was laughable! I actually laughed maniacally while watching the news, because it looked so incredibly fake! I thought it was a joke at first, for real. That night, I went to town and partied my ass off! The world I knew just blew up, so… fuck it! We all had a reaction to 9/11, and this was mine. I may be an asshole, but I’m not a virtue signaling cunt! You should have heard the silly shit coming out of people’s mouths at the pub that day. Almost every drunken idiot I talked to took offense at my attitude because they personally knew someone who worked in those fucking buildings! This… in a pub in Bergen, Norway! I called bullshit on that, because… what are the fucking odds? I didn’t just quit America that day, I quit TV altogether. I’m the earliest cord cutter on Earth!

It genuinely pains me to admit that I loved the idea of America in my youth.

America is hilariously broken, but never fear… Hoodling’s here! For the sake of my own sanity, I offer this advice: Take the guns away from your batshit citizens, use the guns to kill all the billionaires, and spend those billions on education and healthcare! How fucking difficult was that? It’s so glaringly obvious what’s wrong with America, and all they need to fix it is a leader capable of making tough decisions! I’m not saying it won’t take a civil war, but the way things are going… who the fuck cares? The American people needs to stop pussy-footing around their fucking issues! James Madison–the imbecile who thought giving civilians the right to bare arms was a great fucking idea–proposed the Second Amendment because he thought a well-regulated militia was necessary to the security of a free state. Well, are you feeling very safe, America? Had I the means, I’d travel back in time just to slap the fucking wigs off the Founding Fathers and piss all over the Constitution! I, myself, got excited one time and really wanted to murder a motherfucker, but I couldn’t get a gun because they’re not readily available in Norway to any random lunatic with a grudge!

Had I the means, I’d travel back in time just to slap the fucking wigs off the Founding Fathers and piss all over the Constitution!

Only in America would the government sit idly by, counting tax money, as companies turn into unassailable mega-corporations, allowing the plague of billionaires to fester into trillionaires! Amazon, for instance, has grown into an international behemoth that gobbles up everything else. It’s CEO, Jeff Bezos, nets all the profit while his employees are literally killing themselves to earn minimum wage! And rather than helping even his own country, he invests it all in Blue Origin so he can fuck off and die on the Moon with all his pandemic profiteering money! I ask you, America: What use is this person to anyone? At least he’s got attainable goals, unlike Elon Musk, who’s pissing away his Tesla money on SpaceX so he can send other people to die on Mars! Neither one of these assholes have even considered investing in the one fucking planet we can actually live on! Bill Gates still fancies himself a philanthropist, yet he remains one of the richest cunts on the planet! Permitting this maniacal hoarding of wealth is absolutely fucking insane! Just round up all the billionaires, have them executed, make their companies state-owned, and spread the fucking wealth!

Just round up all the billionaires, have them executed, make their companies state-owned, and spread the fucking wealth!

It used to be that Americans feared Communism more than anything else, but now it seems Socialism is equally terrifying to them. Take one look at Norway, and tell me we haven’t figured this shit out! With free education and healthcare, Norwegians are happy and thriving! Where are the fucking demons? Nothing pisses me off more than hearing Americans bragging about their malignant tumor of a country! Land of the free, home of the brave, is it? The average American thinks slavery is a thing of the past, but low wages breed poverty and desperation, which leads to crime, imprisonment and–you guessed it–slave labor! Choice plays a part, sure… but choice is an illusion created by those in power. America hasn’t abolished slavery, they have perfected it! I am simply stunned at their level of ingenuity! That whole country is gonna tear itself apart, and it’s gonna be a fantastic pleasure to watch it burn!

The average American thinks slavery is a thing of the past, but low wages breed poverty and desperation, which leads to crime, imprisonment and–you guessed it–slave labor!

In their desperate attempts to be politically correct, America has damn near outlawed being rude, yet they show no compunction about going to war and murdering people all over the world. “God” forbid they use offensive language, but war… that’s where they shine! Never mind the hypocrisy, just keep on trucking! When America goes to war, you won’t see Hollywood’s pretty-boy actors on the front lines. They’ll dredge up every gun-toting, shit-kicking, minimum wage sociopath their “great nation” can wrangle for the effort! And, at that point, you better believe their vaunted morals are up in the air like a fart in a hurricane! Land of the serial-killers, home of the sex-offenders! Only in America…

Land of the serial-killers, home of the sex-offenders!

Do us all a favor, America, while you’re drowning in your own shit: Try not to pull the rest of us down along with you! Have the good graces to die with some goddamn dignity! “Oh, the inhumanity!” Fucking blow me.

1 thought on “God Bless the US of A-holes”

  1. Det var litt av en “ranting”. 😁 Godt å få sagt/skrevet det en mener og føler uansett. Måtte nok flire litt da jeg leste løsningen du kom med.

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