Welcome, fellow traveler of the digital wilds! You have wandered off the beaten path and find yourself in unknown, hostile territory! You should be very afraid! Unlike other blogs you might have visited throughout your dull existence, may leave you physically exhausted, and mentally retarded. If you’re the proud owner of delicate sensibilities, turn back now!

Prepare yourself for a relentless onslaught of shit crazy pandemonium! You’ll be exposed to language that would make a bald eagle drop mud from ten thousand feet! You will hear tales of unfathomable horrors that will keep you up at night! You’ll find yourself belittled and confused beyond the boundaries of your fragile ego–and you will laugh your ass off!

Featured here are the real life stories, asinine rants and unpopular opinions of a lunatic whose only goal in life is to avoid waking up in the morning. Yet, through no action of his own, he has thrust upon him grownup responsibilities. None other in recorded history has been burdened with such hardships. More than a mere man, he stands a goddamn hero, and he will rise to the occasion! Urged to his feet and compelled to act, he’s a force to be reckoned with! It’s a thankless, low down, dirty, pain-in-the-big-fat-ass job, but somebody’s gotta do it! Put your hands together for the man, the myth, the legend, the one and only… where the fuck did he go? Anybody seen a fat, drunk asshole around here somewhere?

Who’s this Hoodling anyway?

The urban monkey known as “Hoodling,” self proclaimed king of chicken scratch, has taken up residence in Bergen, Norway. In his misguided youth, he created this glorious website in an attempt to communicate his rage to the world. Nobody cared, and thus, like a quitter, he quit.

As the years dragged on, the once happily angry urban monkey slowly but surely diminished into a pathetic, couch dwelling sloth bereft of passion and purpose. With all aspirations of greatness long since forgotten in the throes of alcoholism and the grinding tedium of mundane living, the Hoodling, shadow of his former self, was utterly lost.

Half a dozen midlife crises later, the now middle-aged Hoodling has come full circle, seeking to reconnect with his youth. Rage refueled, passions reignited, and idle no more, the urban monkey has taken it upon himself to compose the most epic chicken scratch the world has yet to ignore!

Not laziness, nor suicidal depression, nor pathetic angst shall keep the beast at bay! Fueled by disgust and disappointment in himself and his fellow man, he’s on a no-holds-barred, unmitigated, unapologetic verbal rampage! Pissed off and out of control, the Hoodling has returned with a vengeance! Behold, the collected chicken scratch of an urban monkey… again!

Where did all the old stories go?

The artist has decided not to publish his old stories on the new website until they’ve been updated/rewritten to fall in line with his current writing and vocabulary. In time, he’ll bring back some of the “classic” favorites, but he also plans to write new material, so don’t hold your breath! If you have a specific request, you may appeal to his vanity at considerable risk!