Privacy Policy

Oh no, the cookies!

Thanks to a collective of mongoloids known as the EU parliament, I may–or may not–have to inform you that this website probably uses a shit ton of the cookies. Airing on the side of being an asshole about it, this is me telling you that I haven’t the faintest fucking idea of what I’m doing, and by visiting my website you may have contracted the cookies!

Furthermore, I have deliberately avoided taking exaggerated steps towards protecting user data, so if this website gets hacked, you may consider yourself fucked up the wall without a leg to stand on! I’m not a goddamn security expert, OK? I’m just a random asshole with a blog, so have no delusions of safety or protection from the cookies in this neighborhood.

Additionally; you should be aware that I, personally, take no responsibility for any deleterious effects the cookies might have on your miserable existence and/or–undoubtedly declining–mental fortitude. If the cookies frighten you to such an extent that you actually read this ridiculous document on purpose… please seek help (elsewhere).

In conclusion, you should be aware that I don’t have a law degree! However, I believe my warning regarding the cookies has been delivered with an exactitude appropriate to some random asshole’s blog. If–for whatever mental deficit you proclaim to excuse you from understanding basic English–you cannot comprehend the language of this document, ask someone less annoying to clue you in, and please don’t procreate.

Oh no, big data!

Whatever personal information you feel comfortable divulging to some random asshole’s blog is firmly stuck in mysterious files until the end of time! Your username, password, e-mail, and probably also IP address will very likely be shared automatically with WordPress.com, and whatever assholes (big data) they’re selling your information to. I didn’t write the code for this shit, so I truly don’t know a fucking thing about how it works!

I would data mine your very soul until the concept of privacy itself ceased to exist, and I’d sell it all to big data if I had the slightest clue how, which I don’t! If you–for whatever reason–ask me to provide you with all the information you have freely given by using this website, I’ll tell you to go fuck a chicken, because I don’t know where it is, for fuck’s sake, do you?

All that shit is lost in a ton of code that I didn’t write, and I’d sooner kill us both before I ever wasted my precious time on this Earth catering to your obsessive, compulsive whims! I will, however, invite you to access your long term memory and leave me the fuck out of it. If you should fail in this endeavor, which seems very likely to me, ask big data! I’m sure they’ve figured you out down to porn habits and political views by now.

Should any of this information upset you, then I’m moderately pleased that you seem to have learned a lesson about online privacy. The next time you feel like registering and/or commenting on some random asshole’s blog, think twice (if this worries you so much). In the end, none of us can do a goddamn thing about it, because big data is here to stay!