Oh no, the cookies!
Thanks to a collective of mongoloids known as the EU parliament, I may–or may not–have to inform you that this website probably uses a shit ton of the cookies. Airing on the side of being an asshole about it, this is me telling you that I haven’t the faintest fucking idea of what I’m doing, and by visiting my website you may have contracted the cookies!
Furthermore, I have deliberately avoided taking exaggerated steps towards protecting user data, so if this website gets hacked, you may consider yourself fucked up the wall without a leg to stand on! I’m not a goddamn security expert, OK? I’m just a random asshole with a blog, so have no delusions of safety or protection from the cookies in this neighborhood.
Additionally; you should be aware that I, personally, take no responsibility for any deleterious effects the cookies might have on your miserable existence and/or–undoubtedly declining–mental fortitude. If the cookies frighten you to such an extent that you actually read this ridiculous document on purpose… please seek help (elsewhere).
In conclusion, you should be aware that I don’t have a law degree. However, I believe my warning regarding the cookies has been delivered with an exactitude appropriate to some random asshole’s blog. If–for whatever mental deficit you proclaim to excuse you from understanding basic English–you cannot comprehend the language of this document, ask someone less annoying to clue you in, and please don’t procreate.
Oh no, big data!
Whatever personal information you feel comfortable divulging on some random asshole’s blog, I assure you is firmly stuck in mysterious files until the end of time! Your username, password, e-mail, IP address and whatever else will very likely be shared automatically with dubious third parties (big data) for nefarious purposes that will never, ever affect you in any meaningful way!
Don’t ask me to provide you with a copy of your user data. All that information is lost in a ton of code I didn’t write, and I’d sooner kill us both than waste a second of my precious time catering to your paranoid whims! Furthermore, I would data mine your very soul until the concept of privacy ceased to exist, and I’d sell it off to the Devil himself (big data) if I had the slightest inkling how!
If you find that any of this upsets your equilibrium, I’m pleased to inform you that you appear to have learned a lesson about online privacy. In the future, think twice before sharing personal information on some random asshole’s blog (if this keeps you up at night). There’s no such thing as privacy, big data rules the world, and none of us can do a fucking thing about it!